An Awkward Prayer

I've finally gotten tired of trying to be someone I have no idea how to be. If I can't even get being the “Fake Me” right, why keep trying? Especially when I'm finally starting to realize that in denying who I am, I'm giving God a virtual slap in the face. God made me, so I am this way for a reason. 

I’ve got to interject real quick (I have adult ADD and have been known to cover 37 different topics over the span of a minute, usually changing subjects mid-word, and often pausing only to say, “Now what was I saying?…”) Don't try to get a word in edgewise. You'll get your chance when I... Uh... What was I saying? (And no, that wasn't an example. I really don’t remember what I was going to say.)

Ok, hold on, I know. I was talking about God, and my über-awkwardness in that area. (God, The Bible, Christianity.) I couldn’t quote a line of Scripture to save my life. I talk like a little kid when I pray, which makes me very self-conscious in the weekly Parents in Prayer meetings I participate in at my children’s school. Yet still I go, because I finally decided that even if I pray like a 3-year-old, it makes God happy.

And then yesterday it finally occurs to me: God isn't ashamed of me. If anything, God is sorrowful that I am not able to see the wonderful ME he created, and to use the beautiful Gifts he gave me to help others. In childhood, I didn’t get much training in how to make it in this world, and I was pretty much living a solitary life since my mother walked out on us when I was 8.

It’s three decades later now, and my peer group is much kinder than the one I grew up with, but I’m still just as awkward and self-conscious as ever. Only now I’m also more tired. Tired of faking it. Tired of trying to understand what "normal" is. 

And ashamed. Dearest God in Heaven, I never meant to shun you and toss aside your gifts to me. Thank you for waiting patiently while I spent all these years trying to grasp your existence. I give myself to you, ready to move forward with my defenses down. I know I will have setbacks. There will be times when I will try again to be Normal Person. Please guide me when I am weak. Amen.