An Awkward Prayer

I've finally gotten tired of trying to be someone I have no idea how to be. If I can't even get being the “Fake Me” right, why keep trying? Especially when I'm finally starting to realize that in denying who I am, I'm giving God a virtual slap in the face. God made me, so I am this way for a reason. 

I’ve got to interject real quick (I have adult ADD and have been known to cover 37 different topics over the span of a minute, usually changing subjects mid-word, and often pausing only to say, “Now what was I saying?…”) Don't try to get a word in edgewise. You'll get your chance when I... Uh... What was I saying? (And no, that wasn't an example. I really don’t remember what I was going to say.)

Ok, hold on, I know. I was talking about God, and my über-awkwardness in that area. (God, The Bible, Christianity.) I couldn’t quote a line of Scripture to save my life. I talk like a little kid when I pray, which makes me very self-conscious in the weekly Parents in Prayer meetings I participate in at my children’s school. Yet still I go, because I finally decided that even if I pray like a 3-year-old, it makes God happy.

And then yesterday it finally occurs to me: God isn't ashamed of me. If anything, God is sorrowful that I am not able to see the wonderful ME he created, and to use the beautiful Gifts he gave me to help others. In childhood, I didn’t get much training in how to make it in this world, and I was pretty much living a solitary life since my mother walked out on us when I was 8.

It’s three decades later now, and my peer group is much kinder than the one I grew up with, but I’m still just as awkward and self-conscious as ever. Only now I’m also more tired. Tired of faking it. Tired of trying to understand what "normal" is. 

And ashamed. Dearest God in Heaven, I never meant to shun you and toss aside your gifts to me. Thank you for waiting patiently while I spent all these years trying to grasp your existence. I give myself to you, ready to move forward with my defenses down. I know I will have setbacks. There will be times when I will try again to be Normal Person. Please guide me when I am weak. Amen.

Yes, "Awkward Mommy" WAS my first choice.

Memes? Raw milk? Blogger Mom sites?  ...What are these things?

It's time to just face the facts: I'm not like other people. The first time I went to Starbucks when it first opened my only thought was, "What?? No Diet Coke? They'll never stay in business!" And thus it began… I’ve always been different. And I've always tried to hide it. The thing is, I’m totally transparent to everyone but myself. 

Then it finally occurred to me that maybe I was hurting God's feelings. He made me who I am. He must have a good reason for doing so. Who am I to second-guess? And it's so exhausting trying to be someone I'm not! And I'm so tired of being tired. And of being rude to God. If He loves me as I am, then it's okay if nobody else does. That takes a lot of the pressure off. It also allows me to focus my energies where they should be: On honoring Him, on loving my family, on doing for others.

So I am officially dropping the pretense that I have any understanding of how the world around me operates. I am who I am. I'm clueless. I'm awkward. You may call me Awkward Mommy.

Why I Shouldn't Have a Blog

Why I should never blog: 

1) I micromanage everyone. Including the blogging software.  

2) I obsess over details, such as whether this sentence should say, "such as", "for example", or "like". And I proofread and edit excessively... did I accidentally put in two spaces when there should have been one? Hmm...

3) I can't remember what my #3 reason is because I have ADD and -oh goodness, can you imagine me trying to write a blog that takes more than one sentence, I'd get lost in the depths of my mind and never find my way out again.

4) I'd miss my dogs, my family, my soap making, my church, ...not necessarily in that order. (Should I retype it in the correct order? Or leave it as is? Hmm...)

5) I love to unwind with a good coloring book and some thick crayons (okay that sounds really moronic but, well, it's true)... and typing a blog doesn't offer the calming tactile experience I need in my life. 

Oh, well. I gave it a shot. I'm actually relieved that I was only a One-Day-Blogger. Now I can go back to interacting with people again smile emoticon Or at least kids and dogs.

Yes, I CHOSE this name for myself.

Memes? Raw milk? Blogger Mom sites?  ...What are these things?

It's time to just face the facts: I'm not like other people. The first time I went to Starbucks when it first opened my only thought was, "What?? No Diet Coke? They'll never stay in business!" And thus it began… I’ve always been different. And I've always tried to hide it. The thing is, I’m totally transparent to everyone but myself. 

Then it finally occurred to me that maybe I was hurting God's feelings. He made me who I am. He must have a good reason for doing so. Who am I to second-guess? And it's so exhausting trying to be someone I'm not! And I'm so tired of being tired. And of being rude to God. If He loves me as I am, then it's okay if nobody else does. That takes a lot of the pressure off. It also allows me to focus my energies where they should be: On honoring Him, on loving my family, on doing for others.

So I am officially dropping the pretense that I have any understanding of how the world around me operates. I am who I am. I'm clueless. I'm awkward. You may call me Awkward Mommy.